I've always been so scared to share my feelings online. I write endlessly in journals and notes privately, but I often find myself stuck trying to figure out how to gain the confidence to share my thoughts. I guess it's paranoia or insecurity, but I always worry about what others think of me.
I think heavily and research deeply into the topics that interest me. I get so excited when someone brings up a topic I worked so hard to understand, yet I find myself having troubles when the person holds only a surface understanding. This is not a bad thing on their part, but I often feel bad for isolating them. I just become so excited and taken away by my interest that I often notice myself drift as the conversation continues.
This lack of interest I've been met with by others in my life has caused me to cower a bit in sharing my thoughts online. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings I want to explore with others, but I am always swayed away by the fear of no one caring. Even when I finally push myself to share my writing online, it's always me trying to explain my fears of sharing my works away.
I don't feel this feel as intensely with my visual art, but it still sits in me nonetheless. I constantly drift in the anxiety of not being perfect enough.
I talk to my therapist about these fears a lot and he says it all goes back to my mother. A woman who is never truly pleased with anything I do and will always put me down just to feel better about herself. It's often hard for me to talk about her online because my family is so persistent in finding me online, keeping tabs on me, and making sure I don't step out of line. I'm a full grown adult and my family still tries to control and manipulate me. I can't even enjoy social media, especially with posting, because I just don't want to hear them bitch about how I'm making them look bad.
I think that's the thing with super traditional families, especially ones who are really well known in their community. My family is really well known in the Thai community where I live and have a pretty bad reputation already. They are so obsessed with trying to not tarnish their reputation that they tell me to shut up whenever I talk about how my mom abuses me. It's like I can't even heal because they rather look good then hold my mom or themselves accountable. What is worse is that they financially abuse me and I am still fucked after all these years. Even being homeless at some points of my life because of petty arguments or poor financial planning on their part.
I always worry about oversharing, but I am so tired of having to stay quiet about things I want to talk about, trauma related or not. I want to be able to share my story not only with how I was raised, but also my feelings towards the divine, and my philosophies. I have so many ideas running in my head, but I am so terrified of my family that I feel that I have no where to express myself. I'm scared of being known because it may mean that my family will find out and berate me with how selfish and ungrateful I am.
I pray that I find a safe haven here building my own site. I hope that I can finally have the strength to express myself and explore my creativity in ways that I never though possible. I hope to one day be free from my family's grip and finally live a life full of joy and gratitude.
I hope this is the space where my undiluted creativity and expression truly begins.