In the beginning of my massage internship, I felt so scared and insecure about the way I massaged. No matter what I would do, I was just too insecure and fearful that the customer wouldn't like it. My family pushed me into massage, yet my mom found every opprotunity to belittle me and make me feel like I'm not good enough to build a clientel based off my own ability. I decided; instead of focusing on how good I am doing based on my own merit or the customer's judgement, I would use masssage as an offering to Aphrodite. Once I make that distinction, not only did I feel better about the way I massaged, I actually got almost instantly better at massage. It seems like I get better and better with each client I work on. I'm thankful for her gifts and I hope to continue to work with her into the foreseable future.
1/3/24: Today, I felt so insecure about massage again. I found out a regular client I had only went to me because the student she preferred wasn't avaliable. It really tore me apart. It made me feel like I was shit at massage. It's crazy how quickly I'll fall into doom and gloom over a single negative customer experience. Like, she was fine with me regardless, but it pissed me off that she would give a 4.5 stars and I never felt like she even liked how I massage. It's crazy that I am so caught up on it because I didn't even like having her as a customer. She didn't do anything wrong but she made me feel very uncomfortable. It makes me think to every time I have a customer who is dissatisfied. I get so overwhelmed, scared, and worked up. I feel like a failure. Even when I know that massage is as subjective as any other art form or performance. There are just some people you are not going to vibe with and that's okay. I know this, but I still cry when I recieve any form of criticism, not only in massage, but in everyhting. One form of failure has me crippled for an entire day. My therapist tells me it's my trauma with my mom. It' not really me but just the fear. I know that but fuck do I really get caught up in my own misery sometime. I am really trying to figure out how to deal with these feelings. I know I'm good at massage, but shit do I just hate feeling like I'm not good enough. Dozens of grand reviews and yet all I ever focus on is that one shit review.